if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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