She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
