Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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