you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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