No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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