I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
