meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
