life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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