I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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