Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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