saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
