I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
