Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
