I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
