we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
