She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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