One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
