I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
the liver wants what the liver wants
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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