i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
