Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
two words...techno handjob
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Randomize
