Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize