The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
