just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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