It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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