I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
