Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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