i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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