It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
God, I missed his penis.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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