Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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