finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
