I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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