I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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