i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
