I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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