3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Randomize
