____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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