That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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