If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
