Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize