Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
