I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
