i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
