Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
