i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize