On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
