If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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