Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I supernannyed him into submission
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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