So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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