we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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