you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
