Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
