and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
