There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
