last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
