Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
