John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
