I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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