Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize