I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
