I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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