she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
