i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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