saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
