mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
