My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
