i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
