The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
