I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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