Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
