do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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