Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
