Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
