i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
