Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm passing your future prison.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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