Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
