the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
