She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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