Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
