Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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